Face To Face With Depression

Woke up frozen in an afternoon, the hands felt trembling.
Mirror too refused to recognise for the face was no more stunning.

Went to get fresh from last night's deep dark howling,
Tapped water on, but drippage suggested better is river drowning.

Sat under the shower thinking what where went wrong,
Gave out all my roses, in lieu of the hand pierced with a huge thorn.

Moved right index as razor may slit left wrist, but it all felt surreal.
Was it a lucid dream, or saw some news, or chart of own burial?

Roaring belly kept begging for some more food, after the last vomit.
Stood up for a glass of water towards door, fell before could hold it.

Lying on floor, forgot things, thought why even tried to go out,
But in head, had constant tiff of shocked mind and sad heart!

Montage of the phases earned, climbed with pride and plumage,
Look, who just got defeated by this door and that beloved.

Aurobindo Ashram, Pondicherry ©

Integrity does not let anyone know, why one stumbles to this sick state,
Immaturity while shifts blame to some stale food that was lately ate.

The tiring minutes, become hours, but work sees no excuse.
To be fit for office, the best friend be a quick lemon juice.

Lunches got delayed in digestion and blame went to the appetite,
Colleagues made jokes, lacking any interrogative or intimate right.

Friends realised by new stuttering voice, there is something unusual,
Best excuse has been the office stress, relatable & much feasiblel!

The "But Why" behind it, saw victim being threatened, scared and famished.
Apathetic, sadist and insane, It made sure its mission is accomplished.

The hours alone would lament like fireballs from dry lips to burning face,
The busy hours would be the escape from the forever volcanic teary furnace.

Being the best version at the workplace did give a flash of good vibe,
But the trip back home slaps harder for being the terrible failure among tribe.

Calls from buddies stopped being engrossing, and chats couldn't be long online.
Scrolling all time through the melancholy, over artistic mandala often instead felt divine.

Minutes would turn into midnight and twinkle of eyes into dark fine layers.
Hazy-nauseous office wake ups, questioning the mirror, "Who cares??"

Life lost aim, but family had to be seen, so mind never thought of Suicide or hurts.
While these daily laments didn't go away, rather increased their brutal outburst.

That evening on street, lemonade didn't cover, and nothing could open fainting eye,
Time immemorial blurred the sight, and Breathlessness waved a fiery Goodbye!

Since that day, those hideous tormenting thoughts also earned a scary face,
Now even the times outside home were tough, where to sit, how to search solace.

Trust me, when these thoughts get relentless, stubborn and messy,

Nobody can empathize, why you're always overwhelmed, irritated or fussy!

Matri Mandir Auroville, Pondicherry ©

One day, the sibling sensed what had been hiding in nights without sleeping.
When she held the cold hand, the submerged throat itself began weeping.

What could be said, all was self pertubed grief, guilt, pity and own destruction.
She narrated it as the brutal impact of the well heard word, "Depression"!

Who would have thought of things one goes through, could be this gross,
It all looks like a bad dream of a stair slip, or a bump, or just a pebble toss.

Sadness steps in slowly, then stays, to slit- slay and swallow the very soul...

'Tis best to lay bare your heart and let a confidanté know the story on a stroll...

Saying, after experience of Eight months losing self-esteem and gaining self-pity.
Be close to someone, to share and lessen the burden of prolonged negativity.

Let them help you heal for yourself, your family and for their affection.
For after this healing,  no power can stop you from the ever positive liberation.

At the end of the day, I hated after all I did, I would silently scream out, "Why me?"
But I'm glad "It" chose me and no one eles, as anyone else would either die or flee. 

This process itself makes you stronger, defeating that outrageous one.
Experience your new life,  which is respectful, just and courageous one!

Why noone could know of it all going in my life at one point of my life journey,
I never wanted any sympathy, but my buddies that made it all appear worthy!

Last 3 years were more than blissful and thus wasn't needing to pen this all..
But the repercussions of trying Quarantine times allowed to share the call..

Golkonda Fort, Hyderabad ©