Face To Face With Depression

Woke up frozen in an afternoon, the hands felt trembling.
Mirror too refused to recognise for the face was no more stunning.

Went to get fresh from last night's deep dark howling,
Tapped water on, but drippage suggested better is river drowning.

Sat under the shower thinking what where went wrong,
Gave out all my roses, in lieu of the hand pierced with a huge thorn.

Moved right index as razor may slit left wrist, but it all felt surreal.
Was it a lucid dream, or saw some news, or chart of own burial?

Roaring belly kept begging for some more food, after the last vomit.
Stood up for a glass of water towards door, fell before could hold it.

Lying on floor, forgot things, thought why even tried to go out,
But in head, had constant tiff of shocked mind and sad heart!

Montage of the phases earned, climbed with pride and plumage,
Look, who just got defeated by this door and that beloved.

Aurobindo Ashram, Pondicherry ©

Integrity does not let anyone know, why one stumbles to this sick state,
Immaturity while shifts blame to some stale food that was lately ate.

The tiring minutes, become hours, but work sees no excuse.
To be fit for office, the best friend be a quick lemon juice.

Lunches got delayed in digestion and blame went to the appetite,
Colleagues made jokes, lacking any interrogative or intimate right.

Friends realised by new stuttering voice, there is something unusual,
Best excuse has been the office stress, relatable & much feasiblel!

The "But Why" behind it, saw victim being threatened, scared and famished.
Apathetic, sadist and insane, It made sure its mission is accomplished.

The hours alone would lament like fireballs from dry lips to burning face,
The busy hours would be the escape from the forever volcanic teary furnace.

Being the best version at the workplace did give a flash of good vibe,
But the trip back home slaps harder for being the terrible failure among tribe.

Calls from buddies stopped being engrossing, and chats couldn't be long online.
Scrolling all time through the melancholy, over artistic mandala often instead felt divine.

Minutes would turn into midnight and twinkle of eyes into dark fine layers.
Hazy-nauseous office wake ups, questioning the mirror, "Who cares??"

Life lost aim, but family had to be seen, so mind never thought of Suicide or hurts.
While these daily laments didn't go away, rather increased their brutal outburst.

That evening on street, lemonade didn't cover, and nothing could open fainting eye,
Time immemorial blurred the sight, and Breathlessness waved a fiery Goodbye!

Since that day, those hideous tormenting thoughts also earned a scary face,
Now even the times outside home were tough, where to sit, how to search solace.

Trust me, when these thoughts get relentless, stubborn and messy,

Nobody can empathize, why you're always overwhelmed, irritated or fussy!

Matri Mandir Auroville, Pondicherry ©

One day, the sibling sensed what had been hiding in nights without sleeping.
When she held the cold hand, the submerged throat itself began weeping.

What could be said, all was self pertubed grief, guilt, pity and own destruction.
She narrated it as the brutal impact of the well heard word, "Depression"!

Who would have thought of things one goes through, could be this gross,
It all looks like a bad dream of a stair slip, or a bump, or just a pebble toss.

Sadness steps in slowly, then stays, to slit- slay and swallow the very soul...

'Tis best to lay bare your heart and let a confidanté know the story on a stroll...

Saying, after experience of Eight months losing self-esteem and gaining self-pity.
Be close to someone, to share and lessen the burden of prolonged negativity.

Let them help you heal for yourself, your family and for their affection.
For after this healing,  no power can stop you from the ever positive liberation.

At the end of the day, I hated after all I did, I would silently scream out, "Why me?"
But I'm glad "It" chose me and no one eles, as anyone else would either die or flee. 

This process itself makes you stronger, defeating that outrageous one.
Experience your new life,  which is respectful, just and courageous one!

Why noone could know of it all going in my life at one point of my life journey,
I never wanted any sympathy, but my buddies that made it all appear worthy!

Last 3 years were more than blissful and thus wasn't needing to pen this all..
But the repercussions of trying Quarantine times allowed to share the call..

Golkonda Fort, Hyderabad ©

Love her for you want to, not for she wants you to.

Words within your love for her..

I know it well that you love her..

Yes, for if you didn’t, you wouldn’t even be with her.

But since you’re only a human being with variable emotions, you might be inclined to love her in all the wrong ways.

As I went through the words of ma'am Elyane Youssef, I realised how beautiful turns into beast, and everything has a subtle coping way to drift from such abrupt shoot ups.

A happy and healthy bond between two pure souls can  completely transform into a destructive one if you treat her less than how she deserves to be treated.

Nonetheless, I hope you try to love her right. I hope you cast every ray of awareness upon your love for her. I hope you know that awareness is what keeps a relationship strong.

I want you to remember how she looked when you first laid eyes on her. She was everything you longed for. Be it her beauty, her wild nature, her sense of humor or her independence, there’s something about her you haven’t found in anyone else.

And what floored you the most was her completeness.

If you love her, keep her this way. Keep her beautiful, keep her wild, keep her complete.

While she’s the master of her own fate, I wish you understood that you play a major role in her life. How you treat her determines how she views herself—you can make her shine or make her feel lost. She’s a statue in your hands and she only hopes to be held with vigilance.

If you love her, don’t destroy her.

Know that she was destroyed before and another destruction isn’t what she’s aiming for. If she’s with you, know that she has stepped over her fear and insecurities to be with you. She has stepped over her past and decided to give love another chance. She has entrusted you with the health of this relationship—and with her heart.

Don’t let her down.

You destroy her the moment you think you know her. She’s not a book you will eventually finish. She’s something yet to be discovered—so live every day as if you’re meeting her for the first time.

Be present. Nothing destroys her more than your emotional absence. You can sit with her all day long and not really be there, yet you can be so far away and be completely present.

Stimulate her thoughts, her emotions, her being. Dive into her soul like you’d dive into an ocean.

Know that you’ll wreck her if she ever felt you need her rather than want her. You’ll destroy every inch of her if you only love her when loneliness creeps up on you. Because she seeks your love in all moments, not just when your fears and insecurities strike.

I know that your own past sufferings may have destroyed you. But don’t love her just so she can carry your emotional baggage with you. Don’t love her if you only want her to fix you. Know that she will, with time, without you even knowing.

Her love and existence will heal every part of you. But if you are with her solely to fill the emptiness inside you, she will know—and it will destroy her.

And remember, she doesn’t want to be fixed either. Maybe she opened up to you and told you about her painful past. Perhaps you know the exact number of pieces she was turned into. But she didn’t tell you so you would fix her—she only told you so you can know what she endured and how it made her who she is today.

She wants you to acknowledge that your actions toward her—actions motivated by love, understanding and patience—are what matter.

Don’t treat her like a broken woman. She is complete with all her pieces, even though they may still be scattered everywhere. Embrace them with her—just don’t add to them. Make her see why she went through destructive relationships in the past. Make her realize that she went through the “worst” so she could appreciate the “better” that you are.

If you love her, love her with all her flaws and insecurities. She is as imperfect as you are and she only hopes to share that imperfection with you. She wants to undress her soul in front of you and be utterly herself.

She wants to be the same way with you that she is in the mirror—crazy, wild and free. If you’re not ready to accept her as she is, you will destroy her.

If you love her, build her up because she will be doing the same for you. Know that whatever effort you put in, she will be putting in double.

If you show her the moon, she’ll show you the entire galaxy.

If you take her to a well, she’ll introduce you to the ocean.

If you treat her right, she’ll make you her world.

If you love her well, she’ll love you in a way you can't forget. 

Try to make yours a loving and soothing journey in a world of too much chaos and stirring emotions.

Modern Luxury with Coffee

Feeling words again on day's off..
You know,
Sometimes it's a bliss
to be able to do nothing..
It's peaceful, to not run to work for a bunch of moments as daily.
To sit back at the Balcony and watch the world around us scurry in their lives
with an urgency to live,
with an urgency to do things.
What I believe is that
it's privilege disguised as boredom,
to be able to be at one place and absorb the littlest things happening around -
like the way these leaves dance as the wind tickles their tender skin after a hot and humid day;
this old couple strolling on the footpath with a stroll that signifies they've lived their lives with content;
that schoolgirl walking home from Tutions with a heavy backpack of books,
half of which she wouldn't even remember 5 years from now;
and that stray dog just sitting by the roadside, half asleep and indifferent to the pedestrians around it;
the busy business lady who has a bag full of seemingly important documents, walking back from work in hurried steps..
In a world of busy people and never-ending chores,
I think having the time to sit carefree
and sip a cup of dark cold coffee as your cellphone buzzes with different notifications,
is what you can call
a free piece of
modern luxury...
✍

As it begins...

The sophesticated smile..

The choate care..

The pleasant presence..

These do make you ponder over things,

that one would have never imagined about..

Long distance travelling has always been an onerous job for a person like me,

as it would stupify me in the mere thought of being in an irksome state!

But, those intermittent flashes of past bring the same stupid smile back..

Thanks to "the sojourner" that pushed the envelope,

and made the journeys for me, "an incessant forever adventour..."

Couldn't resist penning it down.

#Nostalgia #Insomnia ..........................🖋